Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Tough Days and Twitter

Do you ever have days that are tough and you want to stay in bed and cry. While this is one of those days. Part of the reason is that I am sad today is the last day of being in my twenties and another reason is I am approaching my thirties and Chad and I promised each other that we would be pregnant before I turned 30. And tomorrow is the day and I am not pregnant. I hate living in these shoes I don't want to live in a world of infertility I want to live in the world where I am a mommy. This gift of being a mommy doesn't cost anything it is priceless. I want to be able to do all the things that mommies do with their kids. I want to experience all the things that mommies experience. I want some one to call me mommy. This is all that I want it is a simple gift, but I don't understand why I can't have it. Don't I deserve it? What have I done to not have this dream? What do I need to do differently? Who do I need to talk too? More importantly how do I remain strong enough to continue down this road of having a baby and say yes lets keep trying? How can I be happy? How do I deal with all the friends and family members that have babies or children and just smile and be okay. Because quite honestly I want to run FAST and HIDE away from all the pain I have in my heart. So now that I have cried through this entire post I am going to go and find strength to get some work done. If any followers have any great wisdom or supportive words that they would like to share with me please send them my way.


Before I leave I want to let every one know that I am now on Twitter. So if you would like to follow me you can at MelissaStories. Happy Tuesday My Friends!

30 comments:

Hansen Family said...

Melissa there is no perfect word or thing that anyone can do to take away the tears, pain and sad days that you and Chad are having. I am here for you when you need someone to listen to your thoughts and worries. I love you and thank you for being such an incredible Aunt to Aidan and Drew.

The Monogrammed Mrs. said...

Melissa, the best I can say is that I added you and your husband to my prayer list a while back. I do know that God has a plan whether we see it and understand it or not. I know that does not heal your pain but it is one thing that is guarenteed. Praying for you in NC.

b is for brown said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I know this heartache. I so wish that life followed the same plan we make for ourselves but realize that is not the case at all. Something very special is in store for you, I know it. You will get your babies. I am sending you a hug.
xoxox

Life and ramblings of a small town girl! said...

Came across your blog through another TTC blog, read your latest post and as another TTC, I completely understand how you feel. The only thing I find peace in is knowing someday I will have a family. It may not be biological and it may not be for awhile, but I know in my heart someday someone will call me mommy.

Ashley said...

I cried with you during this post... I KNOW it's so hard; especially to hear these things from your friends/family that do have babies... But I want you to remember something... when we are down, Satan tries to come in and make us more down... as I told another girl on a post about the same thing the other day, start counting your blessings when you are this down. Thank God for your beautiful home, your job, your husband, his job.. your health, your body, your family, your friends, your life... There are so many things to be grateful for and along with those blessings of thankfulness will come even more!!! Your desire to be a mommy will come true before you know it. Remain in Him, and he will remain in you.. Here is a poem for you:

In all of your circumstances,
Look for God’s blessing.
Look for His joy
And His love everlasting.

Seek out God’s goodness
In a world of tears and sorrow.
Seek out His hope
In the dawn of tomorrow.

Let His peace fill your heart,
Let His hand and word guide you.
Know that you are never alone
For He always walks beside you.

Let His love be your strength,
His trustworthiness your shield.
Be courageous as He goes before you,
His victory to yield.

Walk forward in faith,
Let the Lord work His ways.
His unfailing love is with you
For all of your days.

Ashley said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. God has a plan for you, we never know what that is and sometimes that makes things so much harder. Just know that there are tons of people praying for you!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I don't even know you, except through your blog and I cried through your post. My heart breaks for you. I have kids 28 and 35 and while my daughter had NO fertility problems, my son and his wife hoped and prayed for a baby for 5 years. She knew she could get pregnant as she had has a 8 year old from a first marriage. Then she and Greg wanted a baby from day one and there were miscarriages, long periods of not being pregnant and almost ready to give up....and then last Oct, the day after we returned from a family Disney trip...Dana realized she was very late...one pregnancy test and a baby was on the way....He was born a month ago and had breathing problems. He spent his first 2 weeks in the NICU but he is home and totally fine...you can see some of his sweet pictures on my blog... We are celebrating this little miracle. I am believing for a MIRACLE for you and very soon....

With love,
Teresa

The Pifer's said...

This post made me cry! I have 5 years till 30, but Zach and I planned on being parents by 26; that age is approaching and well...

I don't know why God places us in certain situations, however I know he has a special plan in store and everything happens for a reason. We will get through this...somehow...some way...Our God is a BIG God! I will continue to pray for strength for you and your husband, I will continue to pray that God gives you the patience and the guidance to get through this journey. Remember, without faith nothing is possible and with faith nothing is impossible!!!!

Keep your beautiful chin up! I know that you are having a hard day! I am here for you always!

Love,Hugs and Prayers,
Tiff

Anonymous said...

Melissa,
You don't know me, but I wanted to let you know that I have successfully gone through IVF twice. Both times I got pregnant with one baby...2 boys! Todd is 2 and Tyler is 5 months. My husband and I used the Portland Center for Reproductive Medicine in Portland, OR.

It is possible. My email is coolies03@aol.com if you have any other questions. Hang in there. Keep praying. God's timing is not ours.

Blessings!
Janna

Traci said...

I have no idea why you are going through this pain, Melissa, but I know that God has a plan for you and I do believe that it involves being a mother. You and Chad are still on my prayer list and I am specifically praying for you two to become parents.

I know that this may seem trivial but I went through a similar experience a couple of years ago. Just keep your strong faith!

The Williamson's said...

I just came across your blog and OMG!!! You have read my mind!! I turned the big 3-0 on Saturday and like you hoped that we would be pregnant by now. I completely understand what you are going through and know that there is someone else out there going through the same thing.

Anonymous said...

Dear Melissa,
You don't know me, but I feel your pain. I live in St. Louis Missouri (GO CARDINALS!) I have been TTC for along time and it hasn't happened. I had one miscarriage last winter while on clomid. I was devastated by the loss. However I am almost 34 years old and I am very happy just to be healthy myself. It is very difficult to see everyone have kids except for us. I have cried, screamed, stayed in bed, and now I am just trying to enjoy the ride. I am a speech pathologist at a middle school so I work with kids all day long and I keep telling God that I want a child of my own because kids are my business. I read your blog often and my heart is breaking for you. I always pray for everyone who is in the infertility boat. Just remember that there is a higher power. You and your husband are always in my prayers even though I don't know you. Please keep your chin up and keep smiling. You will have a baby and when you do......it will be well worth the wait. Best wishes to you and your hubby...also you are still young enough to probably have a few kids......enjoy 30! It is all good. I don't have a blog, but you can contact me at baileyr@mehlville.k12.mo.us

Kim Darnell said...

Melissa,
I am right there with you. I know your pain and what you are going through as we are experiencing the same thing. I turned 30 almost 2 years ago and I decided to just enjoy my birthday because you only turn 30 once. It is tough but we get through it and I know you will be a Mommy someday soon, just like I hope to be too! We can get through this!
In the meantime, you have a Happy Birthday, treat yourself to something special and a yummy dinner of course...and dessert:)

Anonymous said...

Melissa,

I don't have a blog, but I saw yours on Kelly's Korner. I wanted to post a comment the other night, but decided not too. I really felt the need to post tonight.

I like you struggled to get pregnant. Our goal was to have at least one child by the time my husband turned thirty (I'm two years younger than him). I painfully watched girls that I worked with and went to church with get pregnant. I even watched my unmarried brother and his girlfriend have a baby. I was happy for everyone, but at the same time it all hurt very badly. I remember leaving church one Mother's Day very upset. The preacher spoke about what it takes to be a great mom. I was so upset because I knew I had all those qualities. I wondered why the Lord would not bless me with a child. All I wanted was to be a mommy. Eventually after trying and trying, I became pregnant. I had a rough pregnancy--preeclampsia, bedrest, abruption, and delivered at 36 weeks. But it was all worth it!!!!! All of the heartache, frustration, anger, bedrest, bloodwork, everything we went through was worth it. I know now that the Lord blessed me with a child when he knew the time was right. When we were trying to get pregnant, I did not understand that, but looking back the Lord knew better than me.

I had to remind myself of that the day my first born turned 10 months. I felt strange and feft the need to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. We were so shocked and upset (the complete opposite reaction from the first time). I could not believe it. We struggled so much to have our first child and then were completely surpised and taken aback when we got pregnant by accident the second time. I felt like I was robbing by first born of his childhood and time with us. I felt so guilty. But once again, the Lord knew better than me! Our "little surprise" is now 2 months old, and our firstborn is 19 months old. Life is hectic and crazy, but it is wonderful! I know the Lord has plans for you! He may not carry them out when you think He needs too, but He has them. Give him time... Remember Romans 8:28. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you! If you'd like you can contact me at blackwell@andycable.com

Latte Lady said...

Melissa, I just stumbled upon your blog. I can't imagine walking in your shoes and I'm not going to try. God knows your pain and He has a plan...

I have a "The best is yet to be" blog, too. We are living in my inlaws finished basement and are longing for our own place, again.

I am in no way comparing our situation to yours but I can say that God is faithful and good.

Janet
www.homeward4.blogspog.com

Anonymous said...

Hi Melissa,

Happy 30th Birthday!!

I know you've heard this many times before but just keep your head up.

I have been going through the same thing you have for the past 2 years.

I too have no infertility issues that could be found nor does my husband.

Instead of going on Clomid, I was put on Letrozole. This has less side affects than Clomid and it's rare to produce more than 2 eggs. I was on 4 months of Letrozole and had 3 IUI's. If the 3rd IUI had not worked, then we would have to move on to IVF. Luckily, the 3rd IUI worked. However, it is way to early to know if the pregnancy will be viable. I'm praying that everything will be ok.

I just want you to hang in there. You are so young and given that you have no infertility issue I'm sure your time will come soon!

Enjoy Your Birthday! I'll be thinking and praying for you.

Katie Spinks said...

I too have those days all to often Melissa! thanks for being open and talking about yours. My husband and I too made "promises" but sometimes those promises we can't control. We had planned to be finished having our children by age 25 - now I get your a little older but our problem is I will be 25 in 6 months and I haven't even started having kids and I dont even know if I will have kids... it is a hard realization to swallow every single day especially when people keep asking "when are you going to hurry up and have a baby" it is like a knife cutting my heart to pieces... but it truly helps me understand how careful we have to be with what we say... we have no clue what people struggle with... all this to say I pray tomorrow you will awake with strength for the day ahead of you and that God will bless you with a baby so very soon!

Crystal said...

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. This post made the tears flow. I can see just how much you ache, although I do not personally know you, I wish there was something, anythng I could do to help. You are in my prayers. I know that God will bless you with a child soon. Stay positive and strong. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. Your child will also be so blessed to have YOU as their mommy. Praying for you and your husband!!!

Neubauer Family said...

Melissa,

Although I don't know you, my heart breaks for you! I had 4 miscarriages over a period of 3 years and I watched as all of my friends were having babies with no trouble at all. My sister and I were even pregant at the same time, due within days of each other. She had her baby, but I lost mine. It was totally devastating.

However, my husband and I just kept reminding ourselves that God had a plan for us. (You're probably tired of hearing that, huh?) We thought maybe we were just meant to travel the world and be the fun aunt and uncle. We decided (under the guidance of a FABULOUS fertility specialist) to try just one more time. I had to give myself injections of a blood thinner twice a day throught my pregnancy, but we now have our little miracle daughter, Edee!

Don't let the "30" mark get you down! I was 34 when my daughter was born and I couldn't imagine it any other way!

Happy Birthday!
W

Shermanators said...

Hi Melissa,
I just discovered your blog today and as I read your post I cried within. My hubby (of 6 years) and I have been trying for a few years with no success. I too am 29 and was just telling my husband the other night that I had always planned to have at least 2 kids by 30. :(:( All my friends have kids...some just look at their husbands and get pregnant!!! I deeply felt every word you wrote...I'm not going to give any advice or anything (cuz I know that isn't always what we always want to hear!), but know you aren't suffering alone.

I keep telling myself that one day I want to be able to counseling other infertile women. Whether God gives me a child or not, I truely believe God is allowing me to go through this so that I can use my experince in ministry sometime in the future. That is seriously the ONLY thing that keeps me going some days!!

I will be praying for you!!!
Blessings,
Kelli :)

Heather said...

HI Melissa! I am a friend of Kelly's and stopped by to wish you Happy Birthday...but I also wanted you to know that I so relate to this post, having been through infertility, too, with all my friends getting/being pregnant except me. It was tough to say the least. I will pray that God blesses you soon!

jules said...

I can't offer you anything but hope. I went through most of my 30's fertility challenged and the saddness and despair I felt was almost inmeasurable. I really felt at times I had done something wrong to deserve this challenge.
We started our adoption process when I was 38 almost 39 and what should have taken 10-12 months for a China adoption extended to....well let's just say we have not adopted from China. It made things so much worse, I really began to believe that I was just not suppose to be a mommy. We switched programs and it took 18 months, but we just came home from Taiwan in April with our daughter Hayden who is now 10 1/2 months old. That saddness and despair disappeared the moment they handed her to me on that April day.
I wish for you a path that leads you to me a mommy. For me this ended up being the perfect path, and my heart tells me that this is why I didn't get pregnant...I was suppose to be Hayden's mommy. Please know it hurts my heart to hear the same words I felt for so long. I really do wish for that special baby for you.

Wishing you a Happy Birthday!!! 30 is hard, but it gets easier I promise:)

Just another infertile girl... said...

Hugs, I know how hard it is :(

His Amazing Grace said...

I'm so sad for you! I have been there...not an easy road. Lots of prayers and support from others helped me through. I have PCOS with insulin resistance and in November of 2008 we adopted our daughter, Halle. She is the best gift my husband and I were given!! After three miscarriages and many years trying, when she was placed in my arms...I forgot it all! Praying God blesses you with a baby soon.........

Girl with the Curlz said...

Hi Melissa I just found you through Kelly's blog. I cried through your entire post. I too have suffered from infertility now for 5 years. You put into words what I feel inside everyday. I am so sorry for you, me and all of us who have to go through this. We all just want to be mom's so bad. I will pray for you. Please know you can contact me any time. It so helps to talk about it with other people who are going through it. Unfortunately in my day to day non blog life I am not surrounded by people going through this or who really understand how it feels. So I have gotten so much support from all you bloggers who understand what I am going through. I was so happy to have found your blog today. I do wish you a Happy Birthday. Just know God will bless you with the best present someday.

Linda

graspthelove said...

Hi Melissa. I found you through Kelly's blog and just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you. I endured 9 years of infertility and there wasn't a day that passed that I didn't ask God why or beg Him to let me be a mommy. Of course now I can look back and understand His timing but when you're in the middle of the darkness it's hard to trust. I can only assure you that the Lord is walking with you - He will never leave you or forsake you. Keep your eyes on Him as you walk this journey. As much as you want to run and hide (which I did the first few years and it caused huge problems in my life) I encourage you to reach out to at least one other woman and share your heart. Hopefully you already have that kindred spirit - don't be afraid to be real about your pain. Blessings to you!

The Crowder Family said...

Now you got me crying! We too are struggling with infertility and I know exactly how you feel. These are the only two things that keep me strong-

God's plan is SO incredible. I look at areas of my life where I did things my own way and they were a wreck. I look at things the Lord had me do in my life that were painful and I didn't want to do them and He blessed me BIG TIME for my faithfulness to Him. He will bless you in His unbelievably perfect timing and it will be better than anything you could ever plan yourself. Even if it's past 30 =)

God gives us the desires of our hearts. He's promised that to us. TONS of women in the Bible went through infertility and one day God "opened their womb" and they conceived. And those kiddos went on to be amazing people. I believe for myself that God is saving my baby for one of those "such a time as this" children. My child will be a conqueror and a Godly man or woman because of all the praying, crying and waiting I have done for them. You will have a family and when you do, it will be more beautiful than your mind could ever imagine.

I'm so thankful I serve a BIG, faithful God in the business of miracles, aren't you???

Hansen Family said...

I just wanted to say that it is amazing how many sweet and supportive comments you have received about this post Melissa! I really hope these comments are helping you. Love you.

Hannah said...

Happy (late) bday. When I turned 30 last year, it was hard for me too b/c I was going to be 30 and childless. I was not looking forward to it at all. I prayed that I could get through it. My dear husband threw me a surprise party and it was the BEST bday ever. We are still childless and continue to pray for those blessings. I hope you know that you are not alone and that the Lord is right beside you and knows your desires. He will bless you.

Anonymous said...

I will echo a couple of the comments above and encourage you to explore adoption. I know that those negative pregnancy tests month after month are depressing -- I've been there. Instead of going down the road of infertility treatments, my husband and I decided to explore international adoption. We are just about to embark on the process, and we honestly could not be more excited. We're so excited, in fact, that we were both HOPING I didn't get pregnant this month, so we can proceed with our adoption plans. We're hoping to have our baby in a year and a half or so.

I know a lot of people have reservations about adoption, and I certainly don't want to minimize the pain of infertility. But, I do encourage you to explore adoption. Pregnancy and childbirth are a beautiful and miraculous way to build a family, and adoption is just as beautiful and miraculous. I assure you that adoption is not a second-rate way to build a family.

I'm just finishing up Adopted for Life by Russell Moore, and I highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend the book. It illustrates the beauty of adoption in an incredible way.

I'll be praying for you and your husband.

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