Longing for a Miracle

Been Away... Reflecting!

I was suppose to write a new post each day reflecting on moments in my life about infertility, however I have been away because I have been very busy at work! It has been a good week and I have been able to keep my mind off of infertility and having a baby for awhile. I am back after working three days in meetings.

So as I sit at my desk and decide what to write about I am having a tough time deciding what to say as I am to trying to wrap my head around the journey we have had so far with IVF and I guess the only word that comes to mind for me is Hope! I hope for many things in life, but I am going to be a bit selfish and tell you that I hope that at the end of our journey of IVF I will get pregnant and have my miracle.

Reflecting on the past two months thus far in IVF I found this song that is now playing in the background that I listen to often and it states exactly how I feel today! Make sure your volume is on and up!

How are you feeling today?

Infertility Post - Amazed!

Before doing research and seeking help by doctors I thought that I was the only person with issues with getting pregnant. My thought was due to the fact that all our friends around me have babies or kids and it did not seem like they had any issues. That is how naive I was to infertility. They could have had issues... but I did not know! Even when we began testing I still was not aware of the word infertility or the fact that I would have issues with fertility. First I will start by telling everyone that we did in fact begin trying to have a baby in the summer of 2007 and we spent the year enjoying trying to have a baby until the summer of 2008. Once the summer hit and we were still not pregnant I became concerned and during my annual exam I explained to my doctor that we had been trying for a year to get pregnant with BFN each month. Of course my desire to have a baby led to tears during our visit and we immediately began testing. I went to the doctor for several blood work tests, I had the Fallopian tube test (which was horrible), and ovulation testing. Which all resulted in us seeking help to make sure that all was well with Chad. In the end my doctor felt that with the assistance of Artificial Insemination (IUI) we would get pregnant. With an IUI you have to time the procedure with the help of an ovulation predictor kit, which helps determine if I was ovulating. We were able to time it right and we had our first IUI in December of 2008. The procedure is not too painful, just uncomfortable. The worst part is having to wait two weeks to find out if I was pregnant. I just knew I was pregnant, but at the end of the two weeks AF (my period) showed up and gave me the heartbreaking answer that no it did not work! I was so upset I could not believe that it did not work. So we timed it right again and we were able to try another IUI again in January 2009. So again waiting for two weeks is what we did! It was tough because I had a feeling that it did not work and again AF showed up at the end of the two weeks and I was again heartbroken. I remember during this time friends telling me it will happen don't worry it will happen, but it hasn't happened. What next? I remember being so upset with the second IUI that I was ready to give up! Having my dreams be destroyed each month and getting upset each month was to much for me, but for some reason at the beginning of each month I found hope and I was ready to try something new! So that is what we did we started something new! February 2009 was the month we began our journey with the Tulsa Fertility Center. This is the month that I finally realized that we are walking in the shoes of a couple with infertility. I remember the day like it was yesterday... we met with Dr. Stanley Prough on February 18th, 2009 to discuss what our options were and we both went into the meeting with the same goal and objectives. Our goal was to have a baby and our objective was to do what the doctor ordered. If he said you should do another IUI we would do another IUI... if he said we needed to have surgery or additional testing we would do it... if he said that we needed to do IVF we would do it... it was in his hands he was in control at this point. After a few tests on me... which was a vaginal ultrasound... very uncomfortable and something I cannot and will not ever get use to having done... it was concluded that we needed IVF to have a baby. I was so thankful that we had a plan and we were heading in the right direction, but at the same time I was clueless on the process of IVF. I immediately started during research as soon as we got home. I was shocked on the amount of information that is online about IVF. I remember spending late nights reading on stories and the process of IVF for several days. I was so happy I was full of the knowledge and understanding of IVF. I was both excited and terrifed at the same time if that is possible. IVF is no laughing joke it is serious... it time consuming... it is finanically consuming... it is emotional... so going into the process with blind eyes is not recommended! So my first advice to any couples out there that are beginning the journey of IVF READ READ AND READ... know as much information as you can. It makes the process easier and understandable when you have appointments. As well to all the friends out there that know couples that are facing infertility or IVF please take the time to read about what they are going through... It might help with your friendship with them and the feelings they might be having during their journey with IVF or Infertility. Walking alone in the process of IVF is very difficult and if you don't have someone that understands the feelings you are having than you may feel alone and lost. I would also recommend reaching out to the Blogging community... I was amazed at how many people out their blog about infertility. It helped me in so many ways and has continued to help me. I thank god everyday that I started this blog...thanks Kelly...if not I would have not met the people I have met today and I would be lost in the walk of IVF and infertility. I have learned so much from the following blogs:
Shannon
Kelly
Lianna
Our Journey
I hope you have enjoyed walking in my shoes for a few minutes. Have a Wonderful Week Ahead!

National Infertility Week Join Me for a Week Long Journey!

April 25th - May 2nd 2009

As a person that is experiencing infertility I know first hand how many women out there are wanting to be pregnant and experience motherhood. So I am supporting national infertility week by spending the week sharing little stories and insights about infertility in hopes that it will help many women cope with infertility and mom's out there understand what infertility is and how much it hurts to be faced with infertility. So I hope you can join me for the journey.

8 Things Tag

My friend Ashley tagged me on this fun little game, so any of my fellow blogger friends, join in and do it too!!!

8 things I am looking forward to
Brownies for dessert tonight
Having a baby
Seeing my nephew Aidan
Seeing my family when baby Hansen comes in May
Planting flowers this weekend with Chad
Going shopping this afternoon for a baby gift
Seeing my sister Jessyca with her baby girl Marley (she is due in July)
My 30th Birthday in July

8 things I did yesterday
Cleaned House
Worked
Walked Bella in the wonderful 80 degree weather
Made Pizza for dinner
Watched a movie
Talked to my sisters Amie and Meahgen
Took a drive with Bella and Chad
Watched TV in Bed with Chad

8 things I wish I could do
Have a baby
Live closer to my sister Amie
Go on a trip to Italy
Stop eating chocolate everyday!
Be more creative
Redecorate my house each year... that could get expensive!!!
Save more money!
Think of myself before others

8 things I watch on TV
Grey's Anatomy
Private Practice
Real Housewives of New York City or Orange County
American Idol
Today Show
Biggest Loser
Dancing with the Stars
Millionaire Matchmaker

8 people to tag
Amie
Tiffany
Lianna
Shannon
Miranda
Mom
Katie
Sarah

FantasyLand

FantasyLand... I wish sometimes I could live in FantasyLand where you can do what you want... things happen when you want them to happen...all babies are born healthy...and everything in the world people included are positive and happy.

What would your FantasyLand be like?

Grateful for my Blog

I don't think I would have been able to get through the past few months without my blog and the wonderful people I have met through my blog. It is strange that I can find great comfort in my struggles with infertility by reading other bloggers struggles with infertility. It amazes me that there are in fact a lot of people that struggle with infertility... I always felt alone. I felt alone because all my close friends and family have not had any issues getting pregnant. They don't know how it feels to try each month to get pregnant and at the end of the month discover that it didn't happen is heartbreaking. They don't know how it feels to under go test after test to discover nothing is wrong with you. Yes something is wrong I can't get pregnant is the thoughts I have every time we got the results back saying you are fine. They don't know how it feels to go to kid's birthday parties and celebrate birthdays when all you want is to celebrate your own child's birthday party. They don't know how I feel when friends and family tell me they are expecting, how could they... they have never faced infertility. Infertility is in my life and it has changed me over the past few years. I don't want people to be sensitive to the fact that I do not have kids I just want to feel normal, but that is not the case. People close to me are afraid to ask how things are going, they are fearful that I am going to break down, they are worried that they may hurt my feelings, whatever it is it seems as if this thing called infertility takes over and I just wish sometimes that I could go back two years ago and feel normal. The sense of feeling normal in the blog world is helpful because there are in fact so many people that have faced infertility or are facing it today. I love getting their love and support... I feel normal and okay around these people. I just wish I could feel this way around everyone else. Will this change or will I always feel this way? So I would have to say that I am very grateful for my blog and it is great therapy to me...

Can you say "Spoiled"

As I have spent the past few days resting this is what Bella has been up to... sleeping too! This picture is of Bella and I resting on the chair. Can you say spoiled!

Signs from God

I just wanted to share this moment with everyone and basically would like to have it written down some where for me to look back at some day soon.

Chad called me from work this morning and he received a email from a child school friend that he has not spoken to in many years. The email stated that he had a dream about Chad holding a baby in a pink blanket beside a woman in a hospital bed. Congrats! Let me know when it comes true. Wow is the only words that could come out of my mouth. I hope that this is god's way of saying your miracle is on the way. I wish we could email him back with that wonderful news, but for now we will have to wait and see what happens. We will see!

If you are walking in our journey you will totally understand how I felt when he read the email to me! Happy Monday Friends and Family!

Put a Smile

On My Face...

Things that make me smile:
1. Getting home and our dog Bella is excited to see me
2. Getting flowers from Chad... I love the tulips he got me on Thursday
3. Shopping for new purses or shoes.. which is what we did today, however no luck but last weekend in Tulsa I got the cutest Steve Madden shoes... check them out

4. Seeing new pictures of my nephew Aidan he is getting so Big - he is Now 3 Years Old
5. Seeing our friends Kim and Brad Fisher and their adorable girls Kendall and Kelsey. We had dinner with them tonight and it was great to play with them and see their smiling faces
6. Eating Brownies with Chocolate Icing... always makes me smile... yes tonight we had brownies for dessert
7. When my husband opens the car door for me... what a gentleman
8. Watching Reality TV shows that allow me to escape from my life... today I indulged in The Millionaire Matchmaker and The Real Housewives of New York City
9. Snuggling on the couch with Chad and watching Sunday night shows.. I am looking forward to tomorrow night... plus Chad is cooking and cleaning dinner that really makes me smile
10. A warm day makes me smile because I can take a walk and enjoy the sun... I hope that we get some warm days next week

What makes you smile? I believe smiling is a great quality and can make a huge difference in a day. Take some time and smile :)

I know I have a lot to smile about!

Wishing and Hoping and Praying

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying

Planning and dreaming, each night, of her charms

Planning and dreaming, each night, of her charms

That won't get you into her arms

That won't get you into her arms

So if I am looking to find love

So if I

I can share

I can share

All I gotta do is hold her and love her and show her that I care
All I gotta do is hold her and love her and show her that I care

And Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying

Truly that is all that is left, wishing and hoping and thinking and praying that I am able to get pregnant. It is in the hands of Dr. Prough and Dr. Blackwell and faith that God will give me my miracle. Thanks for all your loving support and kind words. I greatly appreciate it!

One prayer request for my sister Amie, baby Hansen is due in 18 days and the baby's kidney is still dilated and for now they have to wait until the baby is due to do further testing. As you know this has brought extremely stress and anxiety to Amie and she could use a few prayers to help her get through the final days of her pregnancy. Amie my heart goes out to you and we love you! Take care of yourself and baby Drew!

2AM Trigger Me Happy

So before going to bed last night I set three alarm clocks to wake us up at 2AM for a shot I had to take. It was important not to miss the time as it would mess up everything we have done up to this point. I was full of anxiety and was worried that we would not wake up, but we did and it was not fun! Getting up to take a shot in the middle of the night is very interesting as we were both half a sleep. Chad did a great job and the shot did not hurt to bad. Than off to bed we went. I actually slept in a bit and Chad was out the door by 6:30AM to work. I am spending the day relaxing and enjoying the weather as today it is going to be 70 degrees here in Arkansas. Have a Happy Spring!

Happy 3rd Birthday Aidan! Today is Aidan's 3rd Birthday he is such a handsome boy and I just love seeing and hearing about his stories through my sister's blog... Amie!

Spring In My Step

As Spring has arrived again in NWA I am very HAPPY for the sunny walks I can take with Bella. What makes you HAPPY about the Spring weather?

So I have a few updates for our IVF Journey:
1. I no longer need to take Dexamethasone
2. I no longer need to give myself the Follistim injection
3. I no longer need to have Chad give me the Ganirelix injection
4. We are making progress...
5. I know for sure that the drive to Tulsa is getting very old... (2 hours both ways, but it will be worth it)

Please continue to keep me in your thoughts in prayers for the next few weeks. I am at peace and know that everything is in the hands of Dr. Prough and his team to make me a baby! I have faith in God and I believe strongly that it will happen.

Thank you for your continued support!

Just Monday

Just another Monday, but my Monday started at 5AM as we started another journey to Tulsa for a 8AM appointment. I am very sore from the shots and my ovaries are under a lot of pressure! My follicles are growing strong but need to get a bit larger. A follicles is where the egg is contained just in case you did not know! Normally a woman develops and releases one egg each month. With the help of Follistim and Ganirelix I have created a bunch of follicles this way I have many eggs to retrieve during the egg retrieve day. I am doing okay... I am tired of the shots and the way they make me feel, but I am relaxed and very positive that I will get my happy ending.

I found this great website called Etsy and I wanted to share with everyone what I just purchased for our master bathroom.

I use to have a tray on our bathroom sick, but I actually ended up breaking it and I had to trash it. First let me start by telling you that during our Easter Brunch at Paul and Daniella's house their friend Katie Hatfield, who is a interior designer, was at the brunch as she was telling me that she sells items on Etsy... so immediately following the brunch I had to go and check her site out. You can find her items under Moxiesisters in the Etsy website. I love decorating our house and she had the perfect tray for our master bathroom. I am so excited to get it in the mail! Now if I can only find a tall vase to replace 3 candle stands we have currently in our house I will be set. Chad does not like the candle stands and he is on a misson to have them removed from the house. I know I will find the perfect item soon. Any ideas send them my way!

Happy Monday!

Stay Vacation

Chad and I are having a stay vacation for Easter. We were planning on going to my twin sister's house in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, but the doctor said no traveling. So we are having a stay vacation. A stay vacation for us will consist of enjoying the town we live in and our friends. So for my first day of our stay vacation I slept in until 9AM... it was a great feeling. I needed some rest... Than at noon I had the pleasure to have lunch with my friend Ashley! I really needed a friend today, I have not felt great over the past few days... I truly believe it is the medicine. Ashley was a comfort to me as I have felt sad inside and she was able to lift my spirits. I will need someone like Ashley to make me smile and lift my spirits for the next few months and I know she will be there. Ashley is expecting her first baby girl in a few months and she looks great! I am excited to meet her baby Avery. Since I know Ashley and Chad will both be reading my blog I would like to thank you both for allowing us into your life. You are a true blessing to us! Our Saturday will begin with a trip to Tulsa (again) to have another appointment and we will return that afternoon as we are planning on going to the evening Easter service. If time allows in Tulsa I am thinking a trip to the mall should be in our plans... I would love to stop at J Crew! After chruch Chad and I plan on enjoying a night out just the two of us! I am thinking dinner at PF Changs sounds good! Sunday we are having a Easter brunch at our friends Paul and Daniella's house. I am looking forward to enjoying time with them and their little girl Melania. During the weekend we are going to try to find time to planet flowers and get ready for Spring. I think our Stay Vacation is going to be great! Even though I would love to be at my sister's house celebrating Easter and Aidan's 3rd Birthday Party, but they understand and we will be able to go and see them in May when baby boy #2 joins the family. If you are staying home for the Easter Weekend... what will your stay vacation be like... what will you do? I hope EVERYONE has a HAPPY EASTER!

Pursuit to Happiness...

As I read through my sister's blog for today it made me think about gaining perspective on my life and what has taken place for the past few months and years. Thanks Amie for your thoughts today. First I would like to first state that the shots and medicine that I am on for IVF have messed up my hormones and I feel frustrated and angry at the moment that I write this!
My perspective over past few months has been confusing, sad, let down, and disappointed. I think about each day of IVF as confusing as I have no idea what the next steps will be... what shots I will take... what pills I will take...when will my eggs be retrieved... and will will my embryos be transferred back in to my tiny tummy? Not knowing what the next day brings with IVF is confusing and unsettling. Sadness is the feeling I have over the past 2 years that I have not been able to even get pregnant. I have know idea what it feels like and when you want something so bad and you can't have it... it brings sadness to me. I feel let down each time something negative takes place in our pursuit to get pregnant. Disappointment is with me every day as I journey through my pursuit to be a mommy! So my perspective on the past 2 years of TTC has been sad and depressing to say the least. So yes I have gained perspective that I have been sad and depressed about not being able to become a mommy. But I would also say that with the sadness I feel that I have gained a perspective that when I do get pregnant I will cherish every moment and not take anything for granted. Because I truly want it so bad! But I can today gain perspective of what the future holds and from this day forward I will not walk in a state of sadness or depression I will at least try to walk in a field of happiness and excitement for the journey that I truly feel will be a positive experience. I have felt this way all day... I feel that this journey of our IVF cycle will be rewarding and will bring us a bundle of joy to our lives. So if you are walking in life with negative feelings or disappointment I challenge you to stop and gain a perspective on your life and be happy with what is taking place as it could be worse!

Be Happy :) If I could now stop worrying! Don't Worry Be Happy... Right?

Wordless Wednesday

Our Bella... I just love this picture!

Sisterhood Award

Tiffany awarded me the sisterhood award. She is walking in similar shoes as I am with infertility and I have enjoyed getting to know Tiffany
Her family is walking through difficult times over the past few weeks. Please pray for her family as they continue to face the challenges in life. Continue to have faith Tiffany and believe that everything will work out for the best. God has plans for you.
Thank you for the award!

Rules of The Sisterhood Award:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award

The ten blogs I wish to nominate are:
1. Amie Is my twin sister and I would not be able to get through the day without her!
2. Kelly Is my loving and thoughtful neighbor and friend that has been a great supporter to me both in person and spiritually. Kelly inspired me to start blogging and I feel very blessed to know Kelly! She also has the most beautiful baby girl named Harper!
3. Ashley Is my chruch friend that I look forward to seeing each week. She is about to have her first baby girl in May. She is going to be the best mommy!
4. Lianna Is a wonderful follower and gives me great advice as I continue down my IVF journey!
5. Mary Kate Has been a great supporter of mine through IVF... she went to the same fertility center as I am and she is the most adorable twins!
6. Veronica Makes the most adorable hats and she is a great blog friend!
7. Sarah Is a blog I follow and when I view her blog I enjoy listening to her music. Sometimes I go to her blog page just to listen to the music!
8. Erin Is a high school friend that has moved from Montana to Texas and has a beautiful family! I wish more of our high school friends had blog pages. I love keeping up with what Erin and her family are up too!
9. Life of April Rose This mommy inspires me to be strong when I feel weak... her unborn baby girl April Rose is very sick and she has had to make very difficult decisions over the past few weeks. I pray each day for you April Rose. May god be with you during this difficult time in your life B!
10. Tara She has the most beautiful family with a Weimaraner. I love seeing picture of her weimy. She is expecting their first baby girl in July 2009!

Thanks again Tiffany!

Tulips...Charity Event...Marathon... and Shots All in One

So I have not been able to update my blog over the weekend so Mondays blog will be all about my weekend. It started Saturday morning with my husband coming home from the Saturday morning meeting with a boutique of Tulips. He is so sweet and it made my day!



Saturday evening our great friends Alex and Anthony Soto invited Chad and I to the American Heart Association Charity Event at the Embassy Suites in Rogers. It was great to dress up and get fancy with our friends. The charity event was a hit, they had great auction items and the dessert was wonderful. They had chocolate covered strawberries and petit fours... YUMMY!

Chad and I had to depart early from the event because the next day was the Big Race Day.

Thanks again to the Soto family for the invite!

Sunday our morning started at 5AM as we had to get up to prepare for the first shot of our many shots for IVF. I was a bundle of nerves as Chad got everything ready. We didn't take any pictures as at 5AM I was not thinking about taking a picture. The shot was not too bad it burned a bit and I felt dizzy and naused all day, but that is one of the side effects. Plus I will take it if I get the end result of getting pregnant. Sunday evening I gave myself the shot and it went much better. So for this round of shots for the next week I am planning on giving it to myself. I am actually proud of myself that I am able to do this... as I am not a fan of needles or blood.

Now for the best news... Chad finished the Hogeye Half Marathon in 1 hour and 44 minutes. I was so proud of him. The run was in Fayetteville and it had around 8 BIG hills that he had to deal with, plus it was around 45 degrees and very windy. After the race Chad was very tired and his legs were aching, but he was very HAPPY with his results. Sunday afternoon Chad was able to enjoy a one hour massage at Accents. It was heaven for him and much needed... plus I didn't have to do any massaging. Until next year the training is done... which makes me very HAPPY!

I hope everyone enjoys our short version of our busy weekend! Thanks to all your support on the shots. I appreciate your kind and caring comments.

Our Journey

As I lay awake looking online at other similiar infertility blogs and hear their stories I came across this song/video that Tiffany a fellow blog friend had put on her blog. It explains a lot about how Chad and I feel and what we have been through over the past few years. I hope this helps our friends and family understand the journey of empty arms we have experienced over and over again. Follow this link Empty Arms!

Tomorrow is the big day shots begin at 5:30AM and than 12 hours later another shot. I am super nervous about the first shot! I will keep you posted!

They are Here... I am full of Anixety!

I am trying to take a deep breathe and relax a bit today, but around 10:30AM the FedEx truck arrived at my doorstep and with him was a box of medicines. On the label it said OPEN IMMEDIATELY... so I did of course. I had no idea that it was going to be so much stuff.

Most of the stuff is in the bags still. I just wanted to let everyone know that they are here and the journey begins. I will continue to breathe and walk through this journey with my head up and a positive attitude. I am spending the afternoon reading up on all of these medicines and putting a plan together for Chad and I. Wish us a Luck!

Happy Friday to Everyone!

Baseline Day

So today we started out the door at 6AM for a 2 hour drive to Tulsa for my 8:15AM appointment at the Tulsa Fertility Center. Today was my baseline ultrasound and blood work to confirm that I was in fact ready to begin a cycle of IVF. Our doctor confirmed that my ovaries look good no cysts to be seen. Which is a good sign! I just received the blood work results and the Estradiol and Progesterone levels look great. So we are moving forward... Yeah! I have mixed feelings... I am extremely excited that I might be pregnant in a few months, but on the over hand I am completely nervous next step is shots... I hate shots! I will keep you posted on how that goes for the next few days.

Thank you to all who continue to pray for us. You don't know how much it means to me to have so much support. Happy Thursday!

Happy April 1st Chad

3 Years ago today my husband Chad proposed to me at Tanyard Park in Bella Vista, Arkansas and today I would like to dedicate my blog to my supportive and loving husband Chad. Looking back on the past three years it seems like a lot has happened and the years have gone by so quickly. But I know that for all the great moments we have shared for the past three years I do know for sure that we have many more memories to share together!

I remember the day he proposed to me like it was yesterday. We had a picnic lunch and by the time we finished it was about to storm, but he insisted that we go up to the waterfall at Tanyard Creek because I had not seen it. By the time we got there I was thinking okay I have seen it now lets go before it beings to rain on us. But little did I know that Chad had different plans. He said a few words and than proposed, I really don't remember anything as I was shocked. Girls reading you know how that feels! Once I got over being shocked and saying YES and we kissed and took a few pictures it begin to rain and rain hard! We quickly ran back to the truck and by the time we got to the truck I was wet from head to toe, but it was totally worth it! At least it is a day that I won't forget plus he proposed on April Fool's Day. Why April Fools Day, he was about to leave the country and he wanted to do it before he left. Plus I think he wanted to do it on a day that he would not forget. We spent the evening visiting our friends Kim and Brad Fisher and than we went to dinner at Copelands. What great memories...

I do have pictures of this day... but I can't find them...I will keep looking :)

6 months later we got married in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. It was my dream wedding and I had great friends and family around for my special day.

1 year later we spent our first wedding anniversey in Cancun Mexico at Adventura Spa Palace. I loved the resort and the relaxing moments I shared with Chad. I often think about all the wonderful stress free moments we shared together. We went swimming with the dolphins on that trip and we went to Tulum to see the Mayan Ruins. After that trip is when Chad and I decided that we start the journey of getting pregnant and starting our family. I never expected to experience the struggles or heartache during the journey. But no sad moments today, I am happy to be sharing my life with my loving and thoughtful husband Chad.

I would have to say that my husband is the greatest man in my life. He brings so much joy and happiness to my life. He knows when to hug me when I am sad, he knows when I need to laugh and have fun, he knows when I need time to be alone, he knows what I want and if you know him well he usually ends up getting me what I want... even when I tell me I do not need it. I can't wait to spend the next 60 plus years with Chad. I love you Chad!