Monday, May 11, 2009

The News... That Broke My Heart

We are not pregnant! That is all I can say at this moment! We are not pregnant. How is this possible? We have spent the past three month preparing and going through the time consuming process of IVF and to hear today that we are not pregnant is a shocking and completely devastating. If you have followed my blog for awhile you know that we have tried for the past two years to have a child with no success. So we walked down the road of IVF and it failed. I never thought that it would fail, I strongly believed that it would work. So now I am left with a million questions of why. Why did this happen, what did I do wrong? I did not blog about our egg retreival or our embryo transfer as I was not quite ready to share the details of these days. So for the short story we had our egg retrieval on April 16th, 2009 and they retreived 11 eggs. Out of the 11 eggs 9 matured and 3 fertilized. On April 19th, 2009 we transferred 2 embryos and had one remaining that would see if it could make it to the freezing stage, but it didn't. For the next three days I was on bed/coach rest trying to take it easy and allowing my body to accept the embryos. For the next two weeks it was the waiting game, this was the longest two weeks. On May 1st we received our first beta results of 17, which was a low positive and they could not declare I was pregnant, than on May 4th I had another blood test and the beta results were 98, which was a great feeling we could actually be pregnant. However they wanted to do one more test and on May 11th (which is today) I received the news that my beta results are 19 and it probably will not be a successful pregnancy. I have been instructed to stop all medicines and at this moment as I write this post I am completely lost and defected. My heart is heavy and is broken once again. Now we just wait and find some way to figure out what our next steps are in our journey of infertility. I am sad and I will continue to be sad because it is okay. I just want to be a mother like all my sisters and friends. Thanks for all your prayers and support over the past few months. You have been a great support system for me. Now I must go as my heart is so sad!

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35 comments:

The Back Ali said...

My heart breaks for you and please know that you are loved and prayed for. I know that I can't give you the words you need to hear but you can only rest in God's promises. Just know we're praying for you!

The Pifer's said...

Oh honey, this breaks my heart! I have no words, I know the heartache you have, I am praying for you sweetie. I know that one day we will get past this, one day we will be holding our little miracles, one day, some how...some way, we will get through this journey and you know what, when we do we will be some of the strongest women and most appreciative mothers due to the struggles we have faced!Love ya sweetie! Many Hugs and prayers sent your way!!!!

Our Curly Girls said...

I am so sorry, Melissa. My heart completely aches and hurts for you both. Sending the biggest hugs are coming your way. I am here for you when you need me. I will continue to lift you guys. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. We all love you so very, very much.

Mary Kate said...

melissa....i am so sorry to hear your news today! i know exactly how you feel & like you said it is okay to be sad! it took me a long time to come to grips with our first failed cycle, but I promise things will get better! I know you have so many questions for the drs...what happened, what else could you have done?? i know....and I hate it that you are having to go through this! i will be praying that God will bring you peace & comfort in the next few days & weeks! don't give up...keep trying & try to stay positive! if you decide to try again, they can make changes where they think necessary! god bless you!! email me if you need to talk or have any questions!!!
mk

G & H said...

Aw Melissa my heart is so sad for you right now! I am so incredibly sorry to hear this news and will most definitley be saying many prayers for you these next several days. For comfort and peace and guidance....

Kathleen, Kat, Kate, or Katie...depending on when we knew each other said...

I am so soad to hear this. I just recently came across your blog thru Kelly's Korner's "Show Me Where you Live" blog. I am so sorry this IVF didnt work. I will add you to our prayer list! It took us 4 years but God works things out...PRAYERS and HUGS!
Kathleen (www.katbass.blogspot.com)

r- m val said...

i have been reading your blog and following your story for awhile now and i've been praying along side many many others that in God's time he would bless you with the baby your heart so desires. i validate your disappointment and i think you're entitled to be sad today. know that God promises to grant you the desires of your heart or to take them from you. i believe that you will one day appreciate HIS timing.

praying in california,
melissa valentine

Miranda Robertson said...

Melissa,

I wish I could be there to take you out to lunch and talk and give you a big hug. You need some good girlfriend time right now. I'm thinking of you and hope you are able to try this again. You are so deserving of a child.

Lots of love!~
Miranda

Ashley said...

I am so sorry to hear the news! Just know that a couple in Texas are praying for you!

Ashley
Texas

Veronica said...

Melissa...my heart is hurting with you today. I am so sorry that you're having to go through this. Please know that you're in my prayers. I'll be praying that you'll be able to feel peace during this tough time. Sending love and hugs your way...

optimisticallyhopeful said...

I'm so sorry to read your news. My heart aches along with you. You're right, it's perfectly OK to be sad. Take all the time you need and know that so many people are thinking of you when you are feeling down.

Amie and Brian said...

Melissa and Chad~ my heart aches for you as I read your post and the emotion that bleeds through the words. You two are such beautiful souls that deserve your own miracle and all I can say is take time to be sad and continue to be there for each other and I will continue to pray for your beautiful happy beginning of being a mom and dad. Love to you both.

Traci said...

Melissa-
I am so sorry and my heart is breaking for you and your husband. I will continue to keep y'all in my prayers.

Shelly said...

Honey I am so very sorry that your hopes and dreams did not come true today. I promise that one day you will be blessed with a little boy or girl that will brighten up your life. If yoou ever want to talk or if there is anything I can do please let me know. I wish I could be there so I could wrap my arms around you and hold you. Never give up on your dream because one day those dreams will come true.. I love the both of you and miss you very much...

Mom

Ashley said...

Melissa- I just sat and read your post and cried... cried because I know how devasting this was to you today. It's 11:00 at night and I just had the chance to read it, so I am sorry I didn't get the chance to call you earlier today. Im glad I get to see you tomorrow so I can hug you and comfort you the best I know how. As I have told you so many times, God's timing is flawless. This just wasn't "your day"... but soon enough will be your day and we will all celebrate! There are so many things in life that we just don't understand. When it took me and my Chad a year to get pregnant, only to find out that 7 weeks after we were pregnant, I lost the baby! I had to wait a day and then get a D&C where they removed the baby. Knowing there was a human inside mew ith no heartbeat for that 24 hours depressed me and devastated me. I can't explain to you how hard that was... but 7 months later God renewed the desires of my heart and yet gave me another baby. I look back and only know that God was preparing me for that time in between losing and then gaining a baby again through God's grace. I am only who I am now today because of that time period where God was molding me to be the woman I am this second, for my soon to be baby. Know that I love you and my heart goes out to you dearly and I am ALWAYS here for you! Things will get better... just don't give up on the power of FAITH, and PRAYER.....

Michelle said...

Melissa...I just happened upon your blog via Kelly's weekly home tour. I just wanted to say how sorry I'm for your devastating news today. We struggled for 5 years with "unexplained" infertility issues and after 5 failed IUI's were prepared to give IVF a try but I was honestly just overwhelmed and truly exhausted. I felt there had to be something else and I happened upon an article that discussed Acupuncture being used in conjunction with fertility treatments.

I contacted the dr that was interviewed in the article (we were lucky that she lived in Calgary). Both my DH & I started weekly treatments with her. After 3 months I returned to the clinic and on the 1st IUI attempt we got the positive that we had prayed for and had a healthy baby girl.

The dr. I went to studies under Randine Lewis who is a leading specialist in Oriental Medicine and she has written a book call the "The Infertility Cure". I truly believe this is what in the end help us and have tried to pass this onto all those ladies out there that struggle this very painful journey.

I wish you and husband all the best and hope that your dreams come true very soon !

Gabby said...

oh Melissa.. my heart ACHES for you.. I am so so sorry.. I can't imagine what you are going through. Just know that lots of love and virtual hugs are coming your way. I will keep you in my prayers.

Mr. and Mrs. Jenk said...

like so many others have commented, IVF is a roller coaster journey and you are experiencing the lowest of lows on the ride. I promise you will look back one day and smile. God is still on Plan A with you and your family.

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

I am so sorry to hear about your beta. I know exactly how you are feeling. I felt so strongly it would work the first time, and the second, and when it did not...I felt so defeated and hopeless. But, God has a plan for us. We just have to continue to stay strong and faithful to the one who will be faithful to us no matter what! Praying for you!

Becca said...

I haven't commented before, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for the negative results. We went through a failed IVF cycle in February so I know how you feel. I don't want to say anything trite, so I will just let you know I am praying for you and your hubby.

Katie Spinks said...

I am so sad to read your news - we are not that far along in our fertitily stuff so I can't even imagine how your feeling with having done all you've done and still not getting pregnant I have no words to heal you all I can say is I feel your pain truly I do and I will continue to pray for your miracle to come soon!

Diana said...

I'm so sorry. There are no words of comfort, but I pray for the God of comfort to manifest Himself to you today. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." I'm so very sorry.

Abigail Hutchinson said...

Oh Melissa, I am so sorry for the sad news... I will be praying for you and your family...like everyone says, God really does have a plan. Who knows maybe He just wants your friends kids to be a little older so they can babysit your kiddo when he/she makes an entrance enter this world. Hang in there girl! You have tons of blogging friends praying for you!
~Abigail

Love my 2 BoYs! said...

I know there are no words that can really make things any better. I am so sorry. Just know you have so many praying for you and rely on your strong faith in God. In his time it will all work out. I too have to continue to remind myself of this.

~Jennifer

julie & joe said...

I am so sorry. We did IVF a few years ago and it was not successful either. I found out on my birthday and it was terrible. I was sad for days.

Fortner Family said...

You don't me but I happened upon you blog. I know what you are going through and I just want you to know that I am praying for you. We tried for over eight years and it doesn't make it any easier. Just rest in His peace. I know your angry and hurt but God wants to hold you and love you!!

The Patterson's said...

Here from cyclesista...I am so sorry that you have to experience this. I have been through an IUI where we had a similar experience with the beta numbers and then a failed IVF with what seemed to be the perfect situation. Now, we are getting ready for the retrieval of IVF #2. I'll be thinking about you as you go through this time and think about your next step.

Girl with the Curlz said...

I came across your blog via Kelly's. I am so sorry for your news. I too have suffered with infertifilty for 5 years now and have probably been through every procedure possible. We seem to have "unexplained infertility" and the doctors can't find anything wrong with either myself or my husband. My heart breaks for you because I know exactly how it feels. I pray today for you and all of us who are experiencing this. I will take the suggestion of one of the other bloggers regarding accupunture and will check into "The infertility Cure" It can't hurt we have tried everything else.

Myra said...

I just found your blog through Kelly's (kelly'skorner) blog. My heart is so sad for you today. I am praying that the Lord will pour out many blessings, comforts and encouragements on your heart. "Underneath are the everlasting arms."

Steve & Nancy said...

Oh Melissa.... I can relate to you 100%!! I struggled with infertility for over 4 years. My first IVF failed also. I was so heart broken. I took 6 months off after that. I thought I would never try IVF again, but I did. It worked the second time. Don't give up. It can work. Your hormone levels were going up. On my second IVF, my doctor gave me an additional shot called "heparin". You might want to ask your dr about it. I am convinced that made my IVF work. I hope you try again. God knows the desires of your heart. You will be a mommy I know it!! Hang in there. Don't loose hope. God is FAITHFUL! Hugs. By the way- I found your blog through Kelly's Korner :)

Seraphim said...

I also found your blog through the beautiful Kelly. I hope it's okay that i added myself as a follower. I struggled with infertility initially and my heart aches for what you are going through. Keeping you in my prayers. xxx

Jamie said...

Melissa, I found your blog through Kelly's blog today. Upon reading this entry, I had to comment. I have been where you are. I know how difficult and heartbreaking it is...over and over again. I also know there is nothing anyone can say to help you feel better. Just know that I am praying for you.

Jamie in NC

MOMSWEB said...

Hugs and prayers for your comfort! I'm excited for you because you're another step closer to God's will. You'll see!

Jules said...

Oh Melissa, I just read your blog for the first time - came over from Kelly's Korner - and my heart is aching for you, and I will be praying for you. I am so, so sorry. My husband and I did not conceive for the first five years of our marriage, so I can relate to your struggle and heartache.

Keep looking up to Jesus, keeping your eyes on Him, and offering this hard struggle as a sacrafice to Him. Big Hugs!!!! Julie

The Wiscott's said...

Melissa,
I was hoping for a positive response for you I know how frustrating a failed cycle is I just complete mine in April. Be thankful for all of your friends and family its time to lean on them for awhile and your husband. Keep positive thoughts flowing and I know you will be a mom soon.

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