Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What to do...

I first would like to thank everyone for their supporting and comforting words on my last post. It truly has meant so much to me that some many people care and have similar stories to mine. It gives me encouragement that I am not alone in a failed IVF cycle. I am still sad and lost. I am trying to be strong and be okay with the fact that our cycle was a failure, but it is hard. I don't want to go through the entire process of shots, medicines, ultrasounds, blood draws, egg retrieval, embryo transfer, and the two week wait. I just want to be pregnant now. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to think about infertility. I just want my journey of infertility to be over with. I want to be a mommy. I don't understand how you can have appointment after appointment and the doctor says everything was text book perfect. How can it be text book perfect and I am not pregnant? That does not make any sense. I don't understand how you can put a egg and a sperm together and create an embryo and when the embryo goes back into my belly I am not pregnant, how does this happen? Why did it not work? I remember back in February when we decided to pursue IVF I was so excited and confident that we would get pregnant. I would have never imagined that I would be sitting here today completed a IVF cycle and I am not pregnant. What happened? Tomorrow I am hoping that Doctor Prough can give me some answers. I am not sure what our next step will be, we don't have any embryos frozen so if we decide to pursue another IVF cycle we would have to start over. Anyone who has been through IVF knows how expensive it is. I am worried that we will not be able to afford to do another cycle and our journey to become parents will be over. This makes me so sad inside. I want to stay in bed all day and cry, but I know this is unhealthy, but it seems easier than getting up and staying busy. I have great friends and family that are supportive and caring. I know each of them wants to take away my pain, but the fact is that they can't, for now I have to hurt, I have to get through the heartbreak of another failed attempt to getting pregnant. A dear friend of mine Kelly brought me beautiful flowers on Monday afternoon and she simply just hugged me and cried with me. She knows the struggle to become a mommy and she understands how I am feeling without me saying anything. On Tuesday I had a planned lunch date with Kelly and another great friend Ashley. Ashley has the best spirit and is so happy with her life. She is expecting her first baby any day and with her positive attitude about life and me getting pregnant she was able to make me smile. Thanks girls for the lunch date, as hard as it was to get up and get ready for the day I needed to get out and find comfort from friends. It still hurts I take my prenatal vitamins every night and for the past two nights I take that pill and I just cry. Why am I taking these vitamins I am not pregnant and it continues to be a reminder that I am not pregnant. It hurts and I am hurting inside and not sure what our next steps should be... that to me is the most frustrating. I want to know the future... I want to know what I should do... should I do another IVF cycle? I feel that I have to have the answers before we go to the doctor tomorrow. Should I just listen to want Doctor Prough suggests? So many questions... If you have experienced IVF and would like to share your thoughts on what I should do I would welcome any suggestions.

I want to end this post by telling everyone that I have the most supportive husband. He took Monday and Tuesday off to be with me. Today he went back to work and sent me the most caring and thoughtful email. I am going to share it with you all. I love my husband so much!
A Word For The Day
John 1:16 From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. Learn to declare good thins over your life. If you are negative and critical toward yourself, your own words can stop God's best plan from coming to pass into your life . Chad wrote, we must be thankful for what he has given us and not focus so much on what we have not received. I know it is hard but we must stay positive through this all. We have each other and that is the most important thing.
Ephesians 5:28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Husband, you need to look at your wife and see if she is reflecting your glory. Your wife should be strong, confident, secure, beautiful, radiant, and healthy. You should see her smile. You should see it in the way she carries herself. Chad wrote, I can see all these things in you that is why I know we will get through this together, and we will one day be parents. I know this and feel this in my heart. I just need you to have the same faith and trust me and GOD.
Of coarse when I read his email I cried. He ended the email with saying I want to see you happy again. I want to be happy too.

21 comments:

Mary Kate said...

your hubby is so right...now is the time to focus on the things that are blessing your life right now...i know its hard, but try to stay positive! Most importantly...you have each other!!! praying for you!

Hannah Elisabeth said...

I read your friend Kelly's blog and wanted to say I am praying joy over you today and that you will find the peace of God even in uncertain and broken times. He is near to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34--the whole passage is great, you should read it!)....Hannah in ATL, GA

Adorably Distracted... said...

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time trying to get pregnant. It sounds like you have such a great support system though! God has plans for us all and I'm sure your time is coming!

I tagged you in my blog and i'm sending a hug your way!

Mrs. James said...

Hi Melissa. I've never commented here before, but I've been reading your blog and never really knew what to say because I've had 2 failed IVF's with Dr. Prough. He's a great dr and wants you to get pregnant just as badly as you do. I know exactly how you feel and it's an awful feeling. Things will get better with time and you'll move on and make a decision on what to do next. It's ok to be sad and even angry, it's good to get it all out! I don't have a blog right now, but feel free to email me if you want to talk. krystaj@cox.net

Thinking of you,
Krysta

The Houghton's said...

I found your blog through Kelly's Korner and I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. I know the infertilty journey all too well. Until you've been in those shoes you don't know how it feels. I know the disappointments at the end of those 2 week waits. I'm praying that you'll soon be blessed with a little one. YOU WILL BE a wonderful mother, hopefully very soon.

Tina said...

I follow your blog although I have never left a comment. Your husband sounds wonderful and amazing. Im so sorry to read about your Neg beta. I became a gestational surrogate to help couples just like you have a baby. I went through two failed cycles before having a baby boy for a dear couple last Aug. I have deep compassion for anyone surrfering with infertility, I was heat broken when it didnt work and felt like it was my fault. I am now carrying twins for some dear friends after they lost a set of twins last year. I will be praying for peace in your heart as God prepares you for the next IVF cycle... You will be a mommy I just know it! God Bless

Kelly said...

This made me cry all over again. I hate that you are hurting. I know Chad is hurting too. It was hard on Scott. He teared up when I told him about you on Monday. He knows how hard this is. Don't give up. I don't have advice......I just don't want you to give up hope because I can picture you and Chad with kids and you will be amazing parents. I wanted to cry seeing you hold little Harper's hand yesterday because I want you so badly to hold your own baby's hand. And you WILL! And you will NEVER, EVER take them for granted!

Katie Spinks said...

I know your pain and I hurt for you and your husband. Praying you have the strength to even get out of bed in the morning because I know how hard even that simply task can be. I truly hold fast to the hope that one day you will be a mommy when that day will be I dont know but I know God already knows and one day you will look back at all your pain your feeling right now and as hard as this is to imagine you will thank Him because it will be all worth it!

Amie and Brian said...

Your words are so hard to read because I don't want my sister and husband to hurt the way you are hurting right now. There is no right words to say to make your pain go away. There is no way I can ever feel the pain that you feel right now but all I can do for you both is to continue to be the sister I am to you and offer my ear when you need someone to listen to you and if I were closer offer a warm hug of comfort during these tough times. I am always here for you both. We love you both.

Love my 2 BoYs! said...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight..... Proverbs 3:5-6

I pray this vesrse will help you. Im relying on in today as well. I am so sorry that your IVF cycle failed. Even though our situation is different an I have been blessed with one child, infertility is a very hard battle to fight and we need God to get us through so we must rely on our faith in him. I didnt get very the greatest news at our fertility specialist today. But with him it will happen.
Praying~Jennifer

~Katie said...

Oh Honey. I follow Kelly's blog and this is how got to yours. Your posts bring tears to my eyes. Sadly, I know your pain all too well. My husband and I also struggle with infertility. We had 3 failed IUI's and then decided to adopt, rather than go onto IVF. My heart, my soul and my body were just too worn out to continue that route. Since then, we have adopted our two beautiful babies. My heart still longs to feel a baby inside of me and just to say those words - I am pregnant. I don't know what God has in store for me or for you but I know he loves us. Have faith in him, as he will gently lead you on the path to motherhood. Be sad and angry if you need to, you deserve to feel this way. Nothing about what you are going through is fair and I am certainly praying for you! Take heart, as you WILL be a mommy one day and all of this will be in your past. (((HUGS)))

Deborah said...

HI Melissa

I have never ever posted to a blog before. I've read many and thought about posting but just never felt lead to like I do today. I too struggled with infertility, for years, 10 to be exact. I'm sure you've heard it ALL "I know what you're going through" "I feel for you" "It'll happen"...I heard it all too. You just don't quite believe it or feel it right now. Do know this, God would not have put the burden of a child on your heart if He wasn't going to follow through in some form for you. There's a reason you long for a child, take heart in knowing it is Him that put that longing there and it is Him that will provide. He always does. Even when it doesn't "feel" like it, take heart in knowing He's there and continue following His lead. In His Time - Debby

Our Curly Girls said...

Melissa, I wept for you today....cried again after this post. Lean on God...I promise He will carry and sustain you. There are so many people who pray for you and love you, too. Not a day that goes by have I not stopped to think about you and hold you in my prayers. Although it has been 8 years, that pain of a failed IVF cycle is felt again while reading your post. It is the most unfathomable pain! A pain that is physically felt in the heart... it hurts. I truly remember feeling relieved when others would pray for me because there were days I was so exhausted and said and could not. We will pray for you.

Hugs, friend. I am glad you got out to lunch today. You have such wonderful friends and support....your hubby is PRECIOUS! What a sweetheart. :o)

Sandy said...

Praying for you - longing for a baby is the most difficult thing I have experienced. May Jesus flood your heart with peace continually.

Sandy in Colorado

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wish there was something I could say or do that could take away your pain. You and your husband just seem like a precious couple and I know you will be wonderful parents one day soon. Just know that I am praying for you!

optimisticallyhopeful said...

I just recently found your blog and I wanted to stop by and say how sorry I am that your IVF cycle didn't work out. I've been there and know how you feel. Please don't feel that you need to have a plan before your appointment tomorrow...you definitely don't. I'm sure that things are still very raw for you, please take the time to let yourself heal a little bit. Take the time to enjoy your fantastic husband, family and friends, and when you're feeling better, then start thinking about what to do next. I hope that your doctor has some good info for you tomorrow, but take your time making a decision on where to go here. Thinking of you...

Ashley said...

Im thinking about you so much. Chad's e-mail was so inspirational and so TRUE! God wants to fulfill the desires of your heart, but in HIS timing. I know that good things are coming to you as I said yesterday at lunch. Know that me and my Chad are here for you and would love to make you laugh again soon! I love that giggle you have, you are just precious! Continue to be an inspiration to all and know that we love you!

Kathleen, Kat, Kate, or Katie...depending on when we knew each other said...

I am still so sorry about your news. I know that feeling of never wanting to get out of bed. Never wanting to deal with it. Never wanting to see one more friend or family member get pregnant or give birth. I am so sorry that things didnt work the first time. I dont know why it works the way it does. I just pray that you can find peace and prayer in this time. I know it helped me a LOT to (pretty much) yelllll at God and ask Him why I was being left out. Why He had chosen us to carry this load. He didnt answer right away. And there are still some unanswered questions.
I will pray that He brings you comfort in this confusing time. And that He helps us all to understand why we have this burden.
XOXO

Dina said...

I feel so terrible for you. Your post made me cry. I know the pain of going through all of this for nothing to happen. We are on our 2nd IVF attempt, the first one was cancelled, and I just had my ultrasound and blood work yesterday and left crying because they will probably cancel my cycle again on Friday. I'm not responding like I should be. They can't tell me why. We have nothing wrong with us and they can't explain why we can't even get through an IVF cycle. I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying. I know what you're feeling. I know the pain and the struggles of this and the questions of why me? Why is this happening to me? I'm a probation/parole officer and I watch countless women walk into my office, drug addicted and pregnant. I feel so much anger and resentment about that. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. When you said you just want to go home and get in bed I could totally relate. I told my husband just that very thing this morning.
My advice to you would be to keep going if you can. You never want to look back and wonder if you did all you could. You will know when its time to stop trying. You will feel it in your heart. I'm so sorry for you and your husband. I know how devastating this journey can be.

Lianna Knight said...

Oh Melissa...I know your feelings EXACTLY. We have gone through two failed IVF's and the pain is just unbearable. Keep you head up and keep your focus on God...he will lead you in the right direction. He would NEVER have put this strong desire in your heart if He didn't have a plan especially made for you :)

krislyn. said...

Melissa, I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. God is always with you, lean on Him .. He is provide and bring you the desire's of your heart.

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