Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Heavy on My Heart

I write in my blog to unload my thoughts and clear my mind and today is one of those days. My heart is heavy with lots of concerns. So instead of keeping them to myself or having a pity party for myself I thought that I would write about it and hope that it helps. Here it goes and I hope it clears my mind for awhile, but if not I will take just a few moments.
Last week when I was in Montana I attended Michael David Guelff's Funeral and since than my mind has been thinking about this family. I have known this family since I was in junior high. Steve Guelff was my one of my teachers and his son Michael who is 22 was killed in a car accident.
It was truly amazing to see all the people show their love in support for the Guelff Family, they had the service at the high school that Michael attended and many loving and caring people filled the gymnasium. I remembered Michael as a young boy and to see what he accomplished in his short life was truly amazing. I am deeply sad for his parents. Steve and Michelle are amazing people that don't deserve this at all. It makes me think about life and what is important. Over the past few years the only thing that was and is important to me was getting pregnant in fact I think about it every day. It is my life. Many of you might relate to my story and understand the pain of dealing with infertility and some of you can't and that is fine. But while I was sitting at the service with my sister Amie it made me realize that I could be gone one day and worrying day in and day out about getting pregnant is not the way I want to live my life. I want to enjoy each and every day and praise God for the life that he has given me. Because my life can be taken just as Michael's life was taken. Because I truly have an amazing life outside of this one obstacle. I have thought about my life and how am I going to step away from thinking about having a baby when that is the one thing that I want and I just cry because it is so hard to walk away. So what is a girl to do? Any advice out there? I could use some right about now before I go crazy. I not going to go crazy don't worry I just don't want to continue pondering over something that is not in my control. However I don't want my friends and family to think that the only thing that I have focused on is having a baby and I have not enjoyed my life. Truly I think that some of my friends and family would say this. I want to be remembered and thought of as Michael was during his life. So if I was gone tomorrow what would people think of me? What can I do differently in my life to enjoy it and be positive about what I have instead of what I don't have? So if you have any words of wisdom for me send it my way I could use all the support I can get. It is a hard because I know that there is a lot of hurt in this world. Not only are the Guelff family hurting but there are many more families hurting. Please pray for the Guelff family for healing and strength to get through these difficult days.

16 comments:

The Kelley Family said...

Melissa, I completely understand everything that you just wrote about. i have actually been going through some of the same things in my thought process. My husband and I have been trying for awhile and while I dont' want to forget that I am in the position I have to understand that I have a great and amazing life and I have to live it. I have said this a million times and keep reverting back to the "old" way of thinking. The other day the hubbs and I were looking up something and we just happended to watched a video of a pastor and hsis son singing a song called "Let Go and Let GOD". Hubbs looked at me and said "this is what we need to." At that point I realized that we had to let go and let GOD and that is what we have been doing. You are a strong woman and you can do anything. Live your life and God will take care of everything else. God's timing is perfect (even if we would disagree at times), lol! Like they say, things happen when you least expect them. Good luck with everything and I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

Alicia

Grami's girls said...

I do not know what you are going through but I do know what it is like to want something really bad and it not seem it's going to happen. At those times I have to totally turn it over to the Lord. There is freedom in not worrying about everything once you have turned it over to HIM. Pray that God will put people and things in place that will enable you to become pregnant. God brings those things into your life without you stressing over it. And when it happens you will know it's of GOD, HE wants to be glorified! My prayers are with you!...becky

The Pifer's said...

I don't really know what to say...I feel the same way though! It's hard to fully enjoy life when you have your heart and mind set on one thing, however I agree...we need to stop and smell the roses (in a sense)...count the blessings we do have and enjoy this life, God has special plans in store for us, and in his time we will know what those blessings are...but for now we need to enjoy life! Love you lots!

Anonymous said...

I don't know at all what you are going through...I am so sorry it is so difficult for you. There are a few things in my life that "woke" me up...a lot like the family who recently lost their son...it has in a sense "woken" you up...for the lack of a better word. I live each day for the day...when one of my three kids asks me what are we doing tomorrow...I always tell them..." I don't know because we are living today"...we will talk tomorrow, tomorrow. I know that sounds silly, but I use to plan and plan...now I don't. (yes, I will plan a vacation...that sometimes you have to try to do) I use to plan until my life came to a screeching halt when I was called in from a team of doctors who once told me once I was "in the clear", to have them tell me I needed at biopsy. So...everyone is different and we all have to embrace that fact. I do know (without knowing you) that you will get through this, but the fact still remains..."life goes on." Even when we want life to just stop for a bit...it just keeps going. Know that God has amazing plans for you and it will be GREAT!! My best to you.
Cheers,
Allie

The Crowder Family said...

This may sound totally crazy but I'm a very visual person so this has really helped me with my infertility struggle. I have a "Baby Dream Box." It's decorated pretty and I just keep it tucked under my bed. When I feel down about not havng a baby or sad because another cycle is over with nothing to show-I write down my prayer and put it in the box-in a sense giving it to the Lord. Then it's done. I don't open it or read it-it belongs to God. That has helped me to kinda "let go" and not allow it to effect my every day life. And one day when I have a beautiful baby, I'll have all those prayers to show how amazingly faithful my God is.

Rachel H. said...

I don't have any suggestions, but your post really touched my heart and made me think about where I am and how lucky that I am! I'm so blessed, and I take that for granted everyday! I could lose everything in the snap of a finger, so this is weighing heavy on my heart right now too, because I don't thank God often enough for all the wonderful things that he has given me and the life he has blessed me with.

Anonymous said...

I understand what you are going through with your fertility sturggles. My husband and I struggled for over 5 years. Other people don't really get it - the sadness, the hurt, the anxiousness. It is difficult, all I can say is that once I truly let it go and let God take full control, and not take it back every month, expecting to be pregnant, then disappointment when I wasn't I could really hear God speaking to my heart and healing my soul. After only 2 months of giving it fully to God He blessed us with a birth mom - we adopted a beautiful little girl 6 months later. It was us finally letting go and waiting on God. I didn't think about it, didn't stress about it. I had decided that we wouldn't do any more treatments or cycles until the summer. God knew better than we did, he was preparing our hearts for a birth mom and a baby girl. God continued to take care of us through the entire adoption. I understand the diffiuclties you are facing, and it's easy for people to say, just give it to God, but until you really give it all, and not take it back, you might not be able to hear all God is saying. That's my experience. I know I didn't give birth to my daughter, but she fills my heart as if I did! Have a good night.
Kimberly

Hansen Family said...

My thoughts are that I hope we never experience the pain, tears and emptiness they felt on that day and everyday afterwards.

But you are always remembered to me each and everyday as a giver, loving, caring, intelligent, beautiful soul, you take time out of each day to talk with me, you love my family unconditionally, you are my second half, I always know that I have you no matter what life throws at you or myself. You have a natural sense of fashion, style, decorating etc. You have this easiness of being in your presence even if we aren't doing anything but relaxing. My words could go on and on but what is most important is that you are remembered each day as my sister, best friend and auntie to my boys. Heavy hearts are hard to dig out of but I will continue to pray and wish for a FULL HEART with your miracle baby.....

Ashley said...

Good post Melissa, and I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Im so proud that you are focusing on life and enjoying each breath. That is exactly what God wants us to do, is focus on the now. Sometimes we don't always get the reasons behind it but later in life you will see why.

Melissa in the Bible (Joshua 1:5) God says that he will never leave us or forsake us. Be strong and even when you aren't thinking a baby on your mind, God knows your desire and won't forsake us. There is always a reason behind everything that happens in life. God is so good... and as we prayed so hard at church a few Sunday's ago (and I do everyday)... God is going to heal you. Be patient. Be strong. Be bold. Lean on your friends and loving sisters and we will all be praying for you. LOTS OF love!!!!

The Hams said...

Wow, your post takes me back to my own thoughts from several years ago....and I was asking myself the very same thing. I absolutely agree with Kimberly- REALLY give it ALL to God and do not take it back. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and had already lost one baby when my sister- who was not sure she ever wanted children and was trying to prevent having any - called to tell me that she was pregnant. To make matters harder, it was the week that I would have been due to have the baby we lost....and I was devastated. I was so hurt and angry with God at what was happening and then it suddenly hit me that my sister's baby wasn't about me at all, it was about what God needed to do in her life. At that moment I realized that I had to let go and that I had to get my life back - as it had become completely taken over by infertility and trying to have a baby. At the suggestion of my fertilty specialist, I began to see a counselor who worked with people dealing with infertility and I started realizing that I had a wonderful life, even though I wasn't pregnant. I started to enjoy just being myself and spending time with my husband and family. Two months later, I learned that I was pregnant....and I was shocked, since I had really started to believe that my getting pregnant was just not what God had planned for me. That was only 3 short years ago and if you would have told me then that I would be a mother of 3 in 2009 - I would never have believed it! God has wonderful things planned for you and even though our plans don't always mirror HIS plans for our lives, enjoy it nonetheless.
~Iana Ham

Katie Spinks said...

I dont have any words of wisdom but I have to say your right on the money. I often feel very guilty for wanting/desiring so much to have a baby that I too feel that is what preoccupies my days just thinking about having a baby when that is so not the reason we have been put her on earth at all. It is a daily battle to put my desire and hopes of having a baby off and just live life for today not worrying about tomorrow... Im praying for you, for your miracle to be a mom and that today you'll only think about living for today!! let tomorrow and getting pregnant worry about itself!!

Anonymous said...

melissa, i don't have any advice for i to am consumed by thoughts of not having/wanting a baby. i started reading you blog on your 30th b-day post, and i just cried, i mean boo hooed!!! i will be 30th this year i felt every last pain and thought, and feeling. i have been trying for 8 years with no luck. i still stuggle, and i think that it's natural to have these emotions. i always feel that no one knows how it feels, but what helps me is when i do have that deep down pain in my heart (like its breaking in two) and i cry uncontrollable, is that i know that God does. he is feeling every last pain, and he does understand and knows that kind of pain. i also know that he has a plan for me but it's still difficult every month, that rollar coster of emotions i can't seem to get off. i was so glad to find you blog. knowing that i'm not crazy to have these feelings and that i'm not the only one. it's also nice to know that you are in my back yard, for i thought i was the only one in bentonville that stuggles with this. i will continue to pray for you and hope that god will show his plan to you (and me)soon. God love us..that i do know!!!
Julie

Nathan and Megan said...

Melissa~ (Found your blog through Kelly) I'm so happy for you that you have gotten to this place mentally & spiritually. I think you will be much happier! We, too, struggled with infertility & some times that's all I could think about. You must have a "free" feeling & relax easier. I'm so happy for you that you are counting your blessings!

Anonymous said...

Dear Melissa,

I too know the pain of infertility. It definitely takes its toll, turns intimacy into a chore at times, renders you incapable of thinking of other things, stirs up pain in your being that you never knew. I always told myself that I would be pregnant or have a baby by the time I was 30, and it didn't happen. It was the one thing in life I "felt" like I could not control.

It hit me one day that if I was not meant to be a mom, that God had something equally as good and exciting for my life. I wasn't created as this broken piece of equipment (the way I felt) and I wasn't "less than" if I couldn't conceive. It was such a new way of thinking for me.

I don't know what your future holds child-wise, but I do know that your life is so much more than "infertility." I am rooting for contentment and joy for you, no matter what.

Angie said...

Melissa,

I dont have any special advice or words to say, just that I want you to know that I am praying for you. I am praying for your strength and your peace, and that you can give everything to God. I will pray for better days ahead.

Angie

Michele said...

As all women who have experienced and are currently experiencing infertility, I know exactly how you feel. We've been TTC for 2 years and not as day has gone by that I haven't thought about it or what I can do to make it happen for us. I'm constantly researching options and trying new things. It truly has consummed my life. Thank you for helping put it in perspective. I have no advice as to how to live a life that is not centered on infertility but I know living that life is a great goal. We all just have to hang in there.

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