I tried to write this post yesterday after church, but I was a bit sad and emotional so I decided that I would wait until today to write a wonderful message on Desperation. Desperation is the act of being desperate or recklessness arising from despair. I would say that I feel desperate at times to become pregnant and I have allowed myself to do things that I would normally not do. The biggest disappointment I have during our journey to become parents is shutting the door on my friends and family. With this many of my friendships are not the same. I am not happy about it and I at this point I am not sure how to repair those broken friendships. I would say the friendships that I still have are the friends that did not give up on me and just stuck by my side even on tough days. I know that I have been reckless with allowing myself to let infertility run my life. But when you are living it day after day it is hard to let it go and live a normal life. I truly want to be normal and be able to get pregnant so easily, but the fact is that is not the case. I have to count days, I have to plan trips or my husband has to plan business trips around my ovulation days. I or we have to decide what the next steps will be in our journey to become parents. The summer is over and now we need to decide what the next steps will be to become parents. I or we have to spend or have already spent a large amount of money on fertility treatments and we will continue to until we become parents. So it is hard to stop thinking about all the details of becoming parents it is on my mind every day. I know that the best position for me to be in is to GIVE IT TO GOD and let him guide us through this journey and accept that it is in GOD'S HANDS. However that is easier said than done! My husband however has GIVEN IT TO GOD and is doing much better with accepting that it is GOD'S WAY and when the time is right we will be parents. I am not quite there yet. But I am happy to say that yesterday at church I had a moment where GOD was drawing me to him. I went to the alter yesterday at church and LAID IT ALL DONE AGAIN. I asked God to be near me and show me the way back to him, because he is the only thing that I should want or need. I need him to help me and show me that he is near and he will never let go of me.
In closing this post I want to share with you what I learned during the wonderful message our Pastor perched on "Desperation." Desperation leads you to Fear or Faith. Desperation Leads you to a Lie or Truth. Desperation leads you Away from God or To God. Desperation leads you to Death or Life. Today I will choose to have Faith, believe in the Truth of God's Word, I will run To God, and live my LIFE to the fullest as God would want me to do.
Draw Near to God and He will Draw Near to You - James 4:8
As I am desperate for a baby what in your life are you desperate for and can I walk with you in your journey. I would love to hear your story.
Have a Blessed Monday!
24 comments:
Melissa,
I have been reading your blog for a few months now and I appreciate how honest you are.
I too long to have a child of my own, however my story is a bit different than yours. I have been married to my best friend for almost 5 years and he has a son (who is 13) from a previous marriage. Due to so many heartbreaks in his past and the fears that he has, he does not want to have a child with me. It just breaks my heart as I long to be a mommy so bad. I cry out to God so much in hopes that he changes his mind, but am terrified that he might not. I know that God is in control (although sometimes I am so frustrated and I too have avoided and neglected my friends, especially those with children as it is so painful sometimes to be around).
I pray that one day we both will be able to hold little ones of our own in our arms.
Keeping you in my prayers.
girl, as i said on twitter the other day, it's blog posts like this that make my heart ache for you and feel guilty some for not wanting kids quite yet. we haven't started trying yet, so i guess i may one day too struggle with this and not even know it yet. i pray for you and chad daily and hope that God blesses you with a baby soon. in the meantime i pray that God shows you Grace and Mercy and rewards you for having faith in HIM in the waiting.
i found your blog through kelly's and i often wonder if during her years of infertility God was preparing her heart and her faith for how sick harper was in the begining. i wonder if she had gotten pregnant right away if she would have had the strength and the faith to handle the emotion and struggles that she did those first few days of harpers life. i know that scott also was baptized and solidified his relationship with the Lord during their pregnancy and i just wonder if the timing was PERFECT in God's plan.
regardless of where you are now and where you'll be when God blesses you with a baby, know that HIS timing is PERFECT and there will come a time when you will be a great encouragement to other women just as kelly is now. maybe even to me should it be something i deal with down the road. your faith (even in moments of desperation) is so contagious and inspiring.
know that while there seems to be a darkness in your life, that you are a light to others.
praying in california,
melissa
I really enjoyed this post, as I too struggle with acts of desperation. We had a wonderful lesson yesterday on bitterness at my church.
Melissa,
I read your post today and I could feel your hurt. I know that feeling of being at a crossroad knowing that the road I NEED to choose and also knowing it is the hardest road. Letting God be in control, when no matter how much I want to be, is the hardest thing. I know that weight. The weight of having a thing burden you to the point that you view everything else through it.
While my struggle isn't infertility I have my own "thing" that I must daily give to the Lord and usually daily, take it back, like I can take care of it better than He can. And even though I haven't gotten complete victory, He has shown me many times that He is big and complete enough to take care of it. To relieve me from the constant desperation I sometimes feel. And most of all, He has shown me that wasting all of the other wonderful things He has given me, while wating for this one "thing" is not how he wants me to live. I do understand how you feel. I know how it feels to have people think, "trust God and get over it". You're very right when you say, it's easier said than done and it's definitely easier from the sideline than in the game. I do believe that God can do, give, whatever He chooses and that He loves us more than we can comprehend.
Hang in there....and I hope soon you have an "I'm Pregnant" post!
Aww Melissa. My heart aches for you. I can imagine how hard this is for you. I ove your honesty, and your willingness to give this to Him. Try to laugh and stay happy. I have three kids and have always wanted four and recently got pregnant with baby number four. My other kids were not planned, but VERY wanted. ;-) I was so excited about planning this baby and we were so thrilled. I found out I lost the baby at about ten weeks, on Labor Day. I feel desperate to be pregnant again, my two best friends are pregnant and I never knew how hard this could be. I know that I have three kids, but it doesnt change the fact that I want one more and it seems so out of reach. I have prayed for you and will keep praying for you. I know your pain is real.
Melissa,
Please know I think and pray for you daily, along with other blogs I follow that are waiting on a child. After two years and a miscarriage for me, I completely understand your thoughts and feelings. I felt those same feelings and thought I was the worst person in the world...plus until you have walked that path, no one truly understands. I know you and Chad will make the best decision for yourself on your path and I will continue to keep you both in my prayers.
Heather
Brave and honest words...Thanks for being so transparent. My heart hurts for you....
Melissa,
My heart breaks for you as I sit here and read your post. I DO know how you feel, as my Husband and I tried for two years to get pregnant with our little girl who just turned three years old.
Reading your post brought back all of those feelings, I know you have probably heard this a thousand times, but I truly believe that God will Bless you with a little one in HIS time! He has a plan for you and I am praying that it will unfold SOON for you!! Trust me I know it is not easy but hang in there, just from reading your blog, I know that you are an awesome person and an inspiration to many others who are in your situation!
God Bless you,
Lesli
I understand your desperation. I was DESPERATE too. And I read what Melissa wrote above and she is right. It was so hard to see or understand at the time ......but God has been working even when I didn't know it. And He is working for you also. You and Chad WILL BE blessed.....it's just a matter of when. Days seem like years when you are waiting but when you get that baby - you are going to love it so much you won't believe it! I can't wait for that day!
I am desperate for my daughter's anxiety to go away! I am desperate for my daughter to live a "normal" life. I am desperate for my life to be "normal" when it is not spent around going to therapists and psychologists. I am desperate for my younger children to also not have to spend their life like this, watching their sister cry, fall apart, run out of fear and scream. I am desperate. Truly, truly desperate for my child to be "healthy" and happy.
Melissa, all I can say is that I love you and appreciate your honestly! I know it's so hard to gothrough a struggle like this... God made so many season in life for a reason. And just like the leaves fall, change colors, and snow comes... so will your life change. God wants us to have our desires and HE will FULFILL this desire within you during HIS timing.
I have just loved seeing you at Pinnacle church with us each Sunday. You have such a desire to learn and know God and truly seek Him. I see it in you and Chad! I just know that if you keep your faith and continue to pray and ask God to give you strengthen when you don't understand- He will.
In the midst of all of this, please know that I love you and I to had the same worries before I had Avery of not being able to get pregnant. I know my situation is a tad different, but I was once there too and worried so much!
I love you and know I am a call away!!!
Dig in deep and hang on for dear life to faith. Even when you feel like you are holding on by a thread, tighten your grip. God is with you, He loves you so much. Be strong in knowing what you know, what you know, what you know. Blessings will come sweet girl!!
You are so brave and honest in your feelings in this post. I am sure it is so hard to type your feelings down and allow your vunerability be out there. As I was talking to you on the phone yesterday and afterwards when I sat down to read crazy love chapter two, I was thinking of you and the unspoken words I have with you on the topic of pregnancy. I never forget that you and Chad are going through this and I know you know that I am here to listen when you need someone to talk to. I hope you don't think our sister relationship has shut it's door. Even after these past few weeks with not having long conversations with you please know that I am here and not hurt by you. You could never hurt me, you are my sister and I love you. Chapter 2 was very interesting in Crazy Love and that we should take a step back a give all our love to GOD instead of allowing ourselves to give in to others and things around us. All I have to say so far this book has made me take a step back and take what it is stating and review how I handle my life and other's around me.
I believe in one time or another we all suffer from desperation. What I think I struggle with since you did ask is just finding my purpose in life and giving to others. So thank you Melissa for being strong when you want to be weak and holding onto your faith and just simply allowing yourself to learn about GOD as I struggle to do this myself in learning about GOD, you are inspiring both you and Chad and I love you for that. Take care and always here for you and not a day goes by that I am not thinking of you. Your sister.
Nice post. It is always good to see people expressing themselves in different ways.
Since you seem to be associated with Management, I would like to suggest you a new magazine - PEOPLE MATTERS started by an ISB Alumni, which was suggested to me by a friend and which I have found very useful.
It deals with various important aspects of management, especially those related to Leadership & People Management.
It's also relatively cheap. I guess its annual subscription is about Rs. 400 (US$ 8 approx) which is even less than the cost of a standard Pizza.
Their last issue had an enlightening article by Robert Kaplan (the co-founder of Balanced Scorecard method, if you remember) where he talks about how organisations can create opportunities out of current economic downturn.
I got its subscription online through their website: http://www.peoplematters.in
If you like the magazine, kindly refer it to your friends or colleagues in the organization you work. They may be interested in subscribing to it.
Thanks
Thank you so much for keeping it real! So many times people are scared what people may think if we are honest. This is where you need to be right now! God can handle it. Is it fair, no! Is it hard, yes! Does it hurt, yes! These feelings that you are having are ok to have and your true friends and family will love you for being real. If they have never gone through this they reall don't know what to say and until they go through what you are going through they will not have the right words and thats ok. You still need them to love you and see the "ugly side" and know that its ok to be mad at God. Trust me I have been really mad at God and when I finally confessed that to Him things changed. It took us 10years to have a baby. I love her with every ounce of my being but I still want to be pregnant. Adoption is great but there is still something inside of me that wants to be pregnant. He knows the desires of your heart and it may not be tomorrow but it will come!!!
I love reading your blog and I am so thankful for your willingness to be so open. I will pray that God blesses your family and heals your heart.
Melissa,
I have been reading your blog.( I found it through Kelly) You really speak to my heart. I know your struggles. I know how desperate you feel. My husband and I avoided friends too. We can not go back now.
What I am desperate for? Is to know that when the time is right God will give us another child. I am such a planner. It is hard to follow God's plan. I learned this when we were trying for the 3 years and 2 miscarriages. I do understand.
Please go and check out my blog. My new post you might like.
http://bjospotinspace.blogspot.com/
**hugs** It will get better. And, I will keep you in prayers.
Jess
Melissa,
I to remember those days of desperation in wanting a child of my own. It's near impossible to not let fertility take over your life and just for the reasons you mentioned. I remember having such a relationship with my doc and the nurses because I would see them more then I saw my own family!
And also, it's hard to accept with your heart the concept of God's timing when you heart is so ready NOW. However, I am a true believe in that perfect timing and wish you can find some hope in that, hun.
Now here I am with two beautiful miracle children and I am desperate for God to work in my husbands heart. My marriage is struggling terribly and I have done everything and all I can do to try to salvage it. I pray one day soon he sees what blessings we have and instead of always looking at what we don't have look at how wonderful we do have it.
Take refuge in God's love and mercy, Melissa. It is true and it real.
Mel
I just want to encourage you and say that I know exactly how you feel. I was once desperate too and I know it is a sick feeling! Like you said on a post the other day, if you could just know in the future that you WILL have kids, you would relax and let it happen in time. It's the not knowing that's so hard. I have a 4 year old now and I'm sure you will one day too! :-) I'm praying!
Jamie in NC
Melissa - please know that I am praying for you and I know that you will make a fabulous mom one day. Everyone has said such wonderful and true things above - hang in there!!
Melissa,
I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now and want to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty about your infertility. My husband and I have been trying for just over a year and it has been a very frustrating and emotional journey. I feel so isolated sometimes (we haven't talked much to family or friends about our struggles) and it is always comforting to know that we are not alone.
I too struggle to hand everything over to God. I know that God has a plan for us but I am so hestitant to relinquish control. What if his plan doesn't involve us having children?! It is so hard sometimes to see how anything except the plan I want will be right. But then I look at the faithfulness God has shown me throughout my life and remember how his plans have always exceeded my every expectation.
I am praying for you and your husband. It sounds like you will make a great mom and I praise you for having the courage to share your struggle.
Melissa-
I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now, but have never commented. I have had this post minimized on my computer screen since I saw it on Tuesday because I wanted to make sure that I didn't forget to comment.
Girl, you are not alone. My hubby and I have struggled with infertility for several years. As I read this post, I was literally in tears, as you spoke the words that I so clearly remember feeling during the thick of our struggle. Infertility can run your life, if you let it... and I let it. I pushed away friends and family, avoided public places for fear of seeing pregnant women, and became so bitter. I tried so hard to keep it all in perspective and it was easy for me to say I trusted God in the long run, the big picture, but not so easy to live it day to day as my heart was broken into pieces watching everyone around me have children, even those that weren't trying, while we were so desperate for a child.
I want you to know that God is faithful and he will bring you through! If you had told me, even a year, ago that I would make this next statement, I would have called you al liar! Now I can say, I really don't care if I ever get pregnant. God has changed my heart and granted me a peace that can only be explained that it came from him. We are now in the process of adopting a little girl from Taiwan, and could not be more excited. We know that this is the way that God intends to grow our family. And, after all of the sorrow and all of the tears, I can look back and be thankful for the infertility, because God has used it in such a big way in our marriage, in our relationships with Him, and as a testimony for others to see.
Hang in there and know you are not alone. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I can't wait for the day when I can read that God has given you your child!!
Amy
Knoxville, TN
I once walked through the darkness and desperation that infertility brings. There were so many emotions felt during my journey of TTC. I felt shame, failure, embarrassment, loss of self-esteem, disappointment, depression, anger, and a profound pain in my heart that I cannot only describe as absolutely unbearable.
I was so focused on getting pregnant that it became my life….driving all over the tri-state visiting specialists to try to find the answer to my perpetual WHY, wondering each month if maybe it would be, often asking WHY LORD WHY…I can’t handle this anymore, Lord…begging Him for a child. My heart could not rest until I could hold a baby…my baby…in my arms. I would cry at night, usually in the dark while resting on my pillow...where I felt safe. I would look in the mirror and see a childless being…a barren freak of a woman. I regret even today that I allowed infertility to become my identity.
I had a couple of friendships that became strained because of me…ME...because I was having a hard time watching them live the dream of having a baby that I wanted so desperately. Often I felt like I had to “pretend” that I was OK around my friends who are mothers or were expecting a baby. Pretend to be overjoyed because they were experiencing the pregnancy or birth milestones that my body would allow me to. I had news that I never shared with my friends who had ridiculous words that were of no comfort…I was NOT ok…NOT OK...most never knew how hard it was to “hold it all in and pretend” until I could be home to cry. I found that infertility brought two directions with my friends…(1) I could be helped by those around me, or (2) terribly hurt by them. One or the other...never in between.
Infertility strains relationships with friends and family….there is no doubt about that. It is SO emotionally and physically draining to be infertile. Sure, I had my sweet husband (my rock), but it wasn’t until I begged Jesus to carry some of the pain that I was able to place my pain and struggles at his feet and start to heal. I would sit with my pastor and just cry. The true healing came even before I eventually conceived my first baby. I learned to trust Him—not just go through the motions but TRULY trusting my Savior that He is sovereign and in control of all things…all the time…each and every day. I laid my heavy, burdened heart in His hands and He carried me. Even when I felt not worthy, He always loved me. He never left…he was with me from the first day in the darkness but perhaps I resisted hearing His word. It was such a HUGE relief to have my sorrows lifted from me. The sorrow was not forgotten but He carried my tired spirit. I started to see life again. My outlook also helped take the strain from my spouse and we started to relax and enjoy each other again.
A couple of thoughts….
**Be honest with yourself and your friends. Tell them you love them, but that it is very hard right now to talk about babies and pregnancy with them…allow yourself to feel said and to cry. It is so painful watching friends living the dream that you always wanted. You may not have the right words at the moment, but let your friends know, that you are really having a hard time right now and you need their love and support even if they cannot understand.
**YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Talk to God. He knows your heart…no need for formal talk, just let it all out and keep your communication open with him. Pray often to Him.
Even after having my girls, I still have that place in my heart that remembers and can still feel the profound hurt of infertility. I do remember that desperation. My heart aches for you, Melissa.
God has a plan for your, Melissa. He will carry you to where you need to be. I love you!
xoxo
just found your blog. I am desperate to become pregnant. We are almost comming up on 6 years of trying. I am frustrated, angry, hurt. I am trying to accept that I may never become pregnant.
My desperation comes out of wanting to expereince the act of pregnancy, birth and newborn stage. We have adopted 4 children, so I do not have that desire to be a mom, b/c I am. I just want to be pregnant. For me personally, its not about genetics. I just want to be pregnant and expereince that one part of life. I have always been fasicinated with pregnancy and childbirth. As a kid I would always stare at pregnant bellies. In highschool I would skip school so I could watch "A baby story" on TLC. The cry with them when thier babies are born. (I still DO! lol)
I want to stop crying when each cycle comes with no baby.
I want to stop thinking and praying that "this month is it".
I want to stop counting days.
I wish I didn't have to say "we have unexplained infertility".
I want people to stop saying "just have more sex".
I want people to say "oh youare still young, you are only 28"
I want to be able to accept that I may never become pregnant.
I want to slap people (well not really, but you know what I mean) that say "well you should be happy with your children that you have". (Which I AM) To me, I still mourn the loss of pregnancy.
I want to stop feeling guilty for wanting to become pregnant.
I want people to stop making me feel guilty for wanting to become pregnant.
I want to stop telling people that my desire to become pregnant has to do with problems with bonding to my children.
I want my husband to be more supportive of my disappointments, hurts and desires.
I wish he hadn't accepted our unexplained infertility and lack of pregnancy as easy as he did. I wish he would share my same desire
I wish he would be trying ANY type of fertility treamtnet so that we could TRY to become pregnant with extra help.
I am also glad for inferility, b/c I wouldn't trade ANY of my 4 children just to expereince a pregnancy! They made me the person I am today - a mom!
Wow - that was pretty long winded considering this is the first post I read of yours and I just poured out my heart out. Also dosen't help that I really though "this was the month" and I just got my period. Needed someplace to vent!
*Amy*
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